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A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. Academe: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy Awards: A place where everyone lets off esteem. Achievement: The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. The period when children are certain they will never be as stupid as their parents; 14. The time when a boy stops collecting stamps and starts playing post office; 18. The state in which a man most easily becomes acquainted with himself, being especially free from admirers then. Any counsel or suggestion made by one golfer to another about the choice of club, method of play or making of a shot, which contains no more than five errors of fact, contradictory statements or harmful recommendations. Awl: (Southern) An amber fluid used to lubricate engines. A.: A degree which indicates that the holder has mastered the first two letters of the alphabet… Babble: A feminine noise, somewhat resembling the sound of a brook, but with less meaning. Angels whose wings grow shorter as their legs grow longer; 2. The worst feature of any new baby is its mother’s singing. Baby Boomer: A kid who just polished off six jars of raspberry jam. What too many women in slacks definitely don’t have; 3, A teenager you hire to watch your TV; 4. A fifty-cent dinner served in sufficient quantity to enable a caterer to charge twenty dollars for it; 2. The woodwind instrument that, when played properly, looks like you’re taking a hit off a water pipe. Bath: A process by which Mom and Dad drench the floor, walls and themselves. Batmobiling: Putting up emotional shields (from the retracting armor that covers the batmobile). Biography: A region bounded on the north by history, on the south by fiction, on the east by obituary, and on the west by tedium. Bookcase: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles. Borderline Obese: Won’t fit through the turnstile at the immigration booth. A fellow who can change the subject to his topic of conversation faster than you can change it back to yours; 2. The one on your invitation list who never has a previous engagement; 14. Botcherby: The principle by which British roads are signposted. Bountiful: What Captain Bligh declared after learning that one more breadfruit tree would sink his ship. Consumer: One who delights advertisers by acquiring unnecessary products in accordance with the motto, “I spend, therefore I am.” Contempt: The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed. Contractor: A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal. If everything is under control, you’re moving too slowly. Convention: An excuse for doing the unconventional. A fair to the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbour; 2. Correctional Facility: Rent-free public housing for thieves, rapists, muggers, murderers, deadbeats, extortionists, drug fiends and other assorted malcontents who are thought to benefit form confinement in each other’s company. Corrosion Resistant: Term found on articles of fishing equipment indicating that they are capable of withstanding the harmful effects of salt-water exposure for 91, 181, or 366 days, depending on the nature of the guarantee. Cotton: Material from which a married woman’s underwear is made. Abstract Artist: A person who draws his or her own confusions. Accelerando: Hurry up, the conductor skipped a page. A period of rapid changes: between the ages of 12 ands 17, a parent ages 20 years; 15. The period in which the young suddenly feel a great responsibility about answering the telephone; 19. Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. Six or more such pieces of misinformation or misinstruction constitute a formal golf lesson’ 9. Usage: “Ah like attair car, but it sure does take a lot of awl.” Axiom: 1. Babworth: Something which justifies having a really good cry. Alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other; 2. Babylon: What the Preacher does during some sermons. A teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers; 5. A legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors; 2. An affair where you ear a lot of food you don’t want before talking about something you don’t understand to a crowd of people who don’t want to hear you; 3. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he “made the dinner.” Barber: 1. As in “she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling”. A man who marries a beautiful girl and a good cook; 6. A fellow who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it; 3. One who has the power of speech but not the capacity for conversation; 15. A guy, who, if you ask him what time it is, will start to tell you how to make a watch; 17. One who need not repeat himself because he gets it trite the first time; 19. A person who talks when you wish him to listen; 21. Contented Husband: One who is on listening terms with his wife. Contralto: A low sort of music that only ladies sing. Controversy: A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannon ball and the inconsiderate bayonet. Conventional: Not necessarily the way a man acts at a convention. A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. Cookbook: A volume that is full of stirring passages. A man who brings organized chaos out of regimented confusion; 2. Corset: Like love, something which binds us together and makes us better than we are by nature. Couch Potato: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner. Abatis: Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside. What you have to get by on if you don’t kiss-up to the boss; 4. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous; 2. That period when children feel their parents should be told the facts of life; 6. Bison: What you say when your child leaves for school Bison Slider: What you might have to eat if Mc Donald’s finds out you’re copying its burger. A wager as in, “I bit you can’t spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways”; 2. Bladder: The human apparatus that pays the tax on beer. Blameless: A person who has obviously never been married. Usage: “Ah bleeve we ought to go to church this Sunday.” Blew: Colour of the wind. Bloatware: Computer software that takes up a large amount of memory but has, in proportion to the space it takes up, minimal functionality. No point in washing it - just blow it off and put it back in the silverware drawer. Blurricane: A natural disaster that moves too fast to be seen clearly. An old computer so useless that it needs to go to sea. Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.” Bobbleheading: The mass nod of agreement by participants in a meeting to comments made by the boss even though most have no idea what he/she just said. Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker. A person who opens his mouth and puts his foot in it. Braille-iant: Of or pertaining to the Joe-kster’s work to help out Blind people (i.e. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. Brandy: A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-destruction and four parts clarified Satan. The drink of heroes - only a hero will venture to drink it. Brisbane: A perfectly reasonable explanation (such as one offered by a person with a gurgling cough which has nothing to do with the fact that they smoke 50 cigarettes a day). British Museum: The most magnificent collection of stolen antiquities in the world. High-mindedness which has been flattened by experience; 3. Conservation: A state of harmony between men and land. A man who acts impulsively after thinking for a long time; 2. Consult: To seek another’s approval of a course already decided upon. Abalemma: The agonizing situation in which there is only one possible decision but you still can’t take it. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing an employer. What will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter; 3. Actress: A person who works hard at not being herself. That period when a boy refuses to believe that someday he’ll be as dubm as his father; 5. Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men. Birthday: Anniversary of one’s birth, observed only by men and children. as practiced by socially correct women who have attended classes on the subject in tandem with their sensitive mates. Bishop’s Caundle: An opening gambit before a game of chess whereby the missing pieces are replaced by small ornaments from the mantelpiece. Blowtensil: A utensil, such as a spoon or knife, set at the table but not used during the meal. Blues Singer: Someone who makes every day sound like Yom Kippur. Blunt Person: One who says what he thinks without thinking. Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money. Thrown out when you need it, and taken in when you don’t; 2. Bra: Decoration draped by your wife over the shower curtain rod in the bathroom. A person who starts out telling white lies and soon grows colour blind; 2. That bodily organ which starts working the moment you awake and does not stop until you get into the office. A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; 2. What a man looks for in a woman after he’s looked at everything else; 3. Brilliant Epigram: A solemn platitude gone to a masquerade ball. The ability to smile when you suddenly discover that your roommate and your girlfriend are both missing from the dance floor; 2. The thing that hurts when everything else feels so good; 18: What makes you worry about what it couldn’t stop you from doing; 19. Conscientious Woman: One who never breaks a confidence without first imposing the strictest secrecy. Consul: In American politics, a person who, having failed to secure an office from the people, is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country. 19th Hole: The only hole on which golfers do not complain about the number of shots they took. 404: Someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found”, meaning the requested document couldn’t be located: “Don’t bother asking him, he’s 404.” A Cappella: Just two, please. AAA-AA: A club for people who are being driven to drink. Abbreviation: An inordinately long word in light of its meaning. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach; 2. The art of getting credit for all the home runs that somebody else hits. A person we know who falls short of being a friend, either because he isn’t well-to-do enough, or because he won’t let us borrow from him; 3. The period in which the young suddenly begin to feel a great responsibility about answering the phone; 7. A word used to describe an amount or size, as in “This computer cost quite a bit.” Bitch: A female of a dog or vice versa. Blamestorming: A group process where participants analyze a failed project and look for scapegoats other than themselves. Blasphemy: What the mine foreman told the miner to do with the dynamite. Blind Date: When you expect to meet a vision and she turns out to be a sight. Imagine a four function calculator that eats 20 Megs of disk space. Bogey: The number of strokes needed to finish a hole by a golfer of average skill and above-average honesty. Boinka: The noise through the wall which tells you that the people next door enjoy a better sex life than you do. Bon Vivant: A man who would rather be a good liver than have one. No need for dismay, however: two bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident. Boob’s Law: You always find something in the last place you look. Book: A depository of knowledge which a student will try to stay awake long enough to read the night before finals. The man who is early when you are late, and late when you are early; 2. Brane: A multidimensional object with dimensions ranging from zero to nine. A man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run; 3. A politician who is enamoured of existing evils, as distinguished from the liberal, who wants to replace them with others; 5. Consultation: A medical term meaning “share the wealth.” Consultant: 1. AALST: One who changes his name to be nearer the front. Abligo: One who prides himself on not even knowing what day of the week it is. Abscond: To move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. The period when a girl begins to powder and a boy begins to puff; 8. A man who doesn’t believe in putting off until tomorrow what can be dunned today; 2. Blinky-Eyed: How you get when you’re trying to ignore the bed’s call. Blithbury: A look someone gives you which indicates that they’re much too drunk to have understood anything you’ve said to them in the last twenty minutes. Bonds Of Matrimony: Worthless unless the interest is kept up. Book (Best Seller): The gilded tomb of a mediocre talent. A fellow who’ll raise the roof before he’ll raise your salary; 3. A mutual affliction of brain damage for the amusement of the public. One who does not think that anything should be done for the first time; 6. Consolation: The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself. Someone who borrows your watch then tells you what time it is; 2. Copyright Defined Coquette: A woman without a heart, who makes a fool of a man who has no head. A profession for which you have to take a Stiff exam. Adder: A species of snakes named from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living. Brute Force: When your brain doesn’t work, just keep beating on the problem until one of you dies. Telling your money where to go instead of wondering where it went; 7. Budgeting: The most orderly way of going into debt. An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. Bulldozing: Going to sleep during a political speech. Parish information, read only during the homily; 2. by injecting it into underground geological formations). Careerism: The widespread belief that life offers nothing so sublime as the opportunity to climb two or three steps up the corporate pyramid over a period of forty years. One who looks in both directions when he passes a red light; 2. A group which is often immobilized by greedlock; 5. Connoisseur: One who attains an obsessive knowledge of wines, audio equipment, cats or French cheeses so as to confer a sense of inadequacy on those who would simply enjoy them. A device that doesn’t keep you from doing anything - just keeps you from enjoying it; 2. An inner voice that warns us somebody is watching; 4. Something that feels terrible when everything else feels great; 6. CPU: Central Propulsion Unit - the computer’s engine. A person who only has a few words to say, but seldom stops when he has said them; 4. The highest possible longitude and the lowest possible platitude. Afternoon: The part of the day spent figuring how we wasted the morning. Afterthought: A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it. Assembly Line: The notion that if a job is worth doing, it’s worth repeating 9,876 times a day. Associate Producer: About the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. Athlete: A dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood or sift ashes. Old auctioneers never die - they just look forbidding.. An unrivaled vehicle for telling the truth about other people; 6. Man’s effort to make work so easy that women can do it all. Average Joe: Guys who have nothing better in their lives than to read joe-ks @ … A man who’d rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck; 15. A man who plays the field without ever fielding the play; 19. A man who, when he accomplishes something, gets all the credit himself; 21. A man who would rather wash a pair of socks than a sink full of dishes; 25. Bamboozle: To convince an angler to purchase a bamboo fishing rod. Bananosecond: Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement. Something you can’t use, at a price you can’t resist; 4. A game many enjoy more than football because they don’t need a college education to get tickets; 4. Beach Erosion: A case of bad tidings Beans: Actor’s caviar. Beaulieu Hill: The optimum vantage point from which to view people undressing in the bedroom across the street. Benevolence: The distinguishing characteristic of man. Beppu: The triumphant slamming shut of a book after reading the final page. Big Bang: The primordial slap on the backside of the newborn universe. Big Gun: Frequently an individual of small calibre and immense bore.
Backbite: To speak of a man as you find him when he can’t find you. Absurdity: A statement of belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. Access Time: Usually large in computer sense, small or negative in defined sense. A condition of affairs in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better; 2. A dutiful book balancer whose role within a corporation is to protect it from creative ideas. Accumulator: The part of a computer that compiles or accumulates numbers for use by the computer (i.e. A youngster who is old enough to dress himself if he could just remember where he dropped his clothes; 20. Adult Education: A strenuous effort to learn about things that bored you when you were still young enough to profit from them. Adult: One who has stopped growing on the top and bottom but not in the middle. Advice is like castor oil - easy to give, but dreadful to take. Atrophy: An award given to those who do not exercise. A thing that is so visible that it is not necessary to see it; 2. An angel whose wings grow shorter as his legs grow longer; 3. A nocturnal animal to which everyone in a sleeping moment is eager to give a wide berth; 5. A tiny feather from the wing of love dropped into the sacred lap of motherhood; 7. A small child who has not yet learned how to walk or crawl. A man who can have a girl on his knees without having her on his hands; 11. A man who offers you an umbrella when the sun is shining, then wants it back when it starts to rain; 3. A plate of cold chicken and anaemic green peas completely surrounded by dreary speakers and appeals for donations; 4. A brilliant conversationalist, who occasionally shaves and cuts hair; 2. Barbershop: A clip joint where you get trimmed by experts. Baseball Fan: A spectator sitting 500 feet from the plate who can see better than an umpire standing five feet away. Battery Electrolyte Tester: A tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail. In ancient Greek, Beta was used to refer to things that didn’t meet specifications originally, and still don’t now after a lot more work has been invested; 2. Someone who goes on talking while you’re interrupting. Conversation Piece: A girl who likes to talk in bed. Converts: Gullible folk who have agreed to let an outside contractor renovate their souls. Cookie: The standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat. Coolant: An insect that’s, like, you know, got it all together, dude. A head-on collision between two stationary cars parked on their own sides of the road. An ironically twisted word: while people cause most accidents, accidents also cause most people; 2. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin. The age when children try to bring up their parents. A teenager who acts like a baby when you don’t treat him like an adult; 2. Adult Film: A film viewed by people over 30 with a cast of 25-year-olds doing what 18-year-olds do, with a plot for a 6-year-old. Cheating on your wife with a much younger woman who holds you in awe; 2. Adult Education: What goes on in a household containing teenage children. Aerobics; A bouncy form of music-induced exercise, often led on video by sinewy women with stalled movie careers. Attair: (Southern) Contraction used to indicate the specific item desire. One of the perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport (i.e. : A shout to alert people ahead that a hill is coming down the hill. A statement that noone but George Bernard Shaw can contradict. Morning caller, noonday crawler, midnight bawler; 8. Babysitters: Girls you hire to watch your television sets. A fellow who hasn’t anyone to share the troubles he doesn’t have; 4. A fellow who usually wants one single thing in life - himself; 6. A man who can keep both a chequing account and a savings account; 12. An institution that will gladly lend you money provided you can prove you are already so well off that you really don’t need it; 2. An affair at which a man may insist that he isn’t much of a speaker, then gets up and spends two hours trying to prove it. A brilliant conversationalist who cuts hair for a sideline; 3. Bard: (Southern) Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.” Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.” Bare: (Southern) An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Battle: A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that would not yield to the tongue. Baughurst: A kind of large, fierce, ugly woman who owns a small fierce, ugly dog. Best People: The ones your wife knew before she married you. “Broken, but let’s hand it out to customers anyway.” The first “test” version of a piece of computer software that is released to customers is referred to as a Beta release. Convict: The only person who likes to be stopped in the middle of a sentence. Rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file; 3. Brevity: Words that cover more ground than they occupy. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. A game which gives women something to try to think about while they are talking; 3. What makes you tell your wife before someone else does; 10. That part of the psyche that dissolves in alcohol; 12. A still, small voice that tells you when you are about to get caught; 14. When a fellow gets so wrapped up in a girl that it’s easy to tie the knot. Adminispam: Useless e-mail sent from upper echelon bureaucrats that’s not applicable to your area, about people you’ll never work with or issues you’ll never face. The upper levels of management where big, impractical and counter-productive decisions are made; 2. Breast Implants: A close chemical relative of Silly Putty. Concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. A gal who puts her foot down as soon as her new husband has carried her over the threshold; 2. A man who is amazed at the outcome of what he thought was a harmless little flirtation. A card game in which a good deal depends on a good deal; 2. The voice that tells you not to do something after you have done it; 9. Court Of Law: A place where a suit is pressed and a man maybe taken to the cleaners. When a fellow and a girl are always trying to show how smart he is; 5. Coward: One, who in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.